I can’t even remember why this post was titled Perplexed.  But when I checked; it means in a state of confusion.

I tried to think why I was confused then. I was hurt, bitter and sad. And when you’re hurt and you allow the bitterness you feel inside eat you, you do stupid things. Sometimes you regret it, sometimes you don’t. See? I’m still confused. Haha. Seriously though, there is truth in the saying that when you look back on things that hurt you before, of things you’ve done out of spite, you’ll shake your head and laugh. You know why? Because it was foolish. You were foolish.

Posted Sunday, June 11th, 2006

For the past months, I feel like I’ve been on a teleserye and I am the bona fide villain of the so-called soap opera of my love life.

I succumbed to the so-called bitterness sickness and forgot that I have a purpose in life. I gave in to the call of sin. I showed them that I will not sit around and do nothing. I will not let them step on me just like that. I’ll have my revenge. And that’s where I gone wrong.

I started to sting them with my poisonous words. I once again became the pain-in-the-ass-bitch I was before (even now but in a subtle way). I made their days miserable by my unending bitchiness and bitterness. I want them to feel the pain I’ve felt and somehow make them live in hell just like I do.

You’re probably wondering what I got in return: I got nothing–nada. I didn’t gain anything but I knew I lost the most important thing–myself. Doing it made me think it was right but I came to a point that I’m just showing them that I haven’t gotten over the break up–that I wasn’t over him. That’s the time when I realized that I was wrong. I started thinking and analyzing my actions.

When I read Rick Warren’s book it said, “Don’t let the errors of other people lead you to the wrong path.” That hit home. I let my anger and my craving for vengeance took over my rational head. I forgot the lessons God taught me and that is why He again let me experience pain and suffering for me to think things over. I allowed my anger to be my strongest motivation.

God said he love peacemakers. But how the hell am I going to do that? When in my heart I can’t even find the slightest bit of desire to forgive them. Maybe, in due time. But that is not even on my near future. I don’t exactly know when or how long it would take me to find forgiveness in my heart.

I can and I will forgive them but only when the feelings of betrayal and anger are no longer there.

The only question is… When?


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