My Final Goodbye to the Past

I think the most difficult part of a dying relationship is the acceptance that it’s not working anymore and letting go is inevitable. Saying goodbye is never easy but sometimes you are left with no other option but this. In order to move on, we have to tie up loose ends and start anew.

Posted Saturday, June 17th, 2006 @mag-mag08.blog.friendster.com

I haven’t written anything explaining what I really felt with the break up. I know I’d been a bitch and moving on was a difficult process.

Maybe now is the right time for me to tell the world what’s on my mind and serve this as my final farewell to the past.

I’m finally letting it all go. I am now moving on.

goodbye

I know it’s stupid and silly to sound as if my whole world revolved around being somebody’s ex-girlfriend, with a broken heart and worst of all a bruised ego. It’s a living attestation that I am now an official member of the love and lost club. But what really hurts is the realization that I allowed them to betray and use me. I lost a user friend and a useless boyfriend. If I’m gonna think of it now, this is a much better set up, since now we don’t have any reason at all to stay friends and this will do me a lot good. But it’s hard to forget what had happen. It’s hard to accept that I, the self-righteous, overconfident girl (as they always say), was exploited by useless, heartless people.

I once loved someone who I think loved me back (nevertheless, basing it from what had happen I was right all along, he didn’t love me at all, not even a bit), but he didn’t want to stay and he found someone new. So I guess the perfect and smartest thing to do is to let him go. I cried. I spent many nights wondering what went wrong, muffling my sobs with my pillows. I can’t help but breakdown every time I realize that he was no longer mine. I talked endlessly about the situation. I spent my nights in tearful conversations and my days in thinking of what am I going to do next. I saw him as the devil incarnate who broke my heart and wounded my pride in the worst possible way, and who deserves to be horsewhipped at the very least. But I told myself what is the use of revenge? I know that what happened is just for the better. This was the best for both of us. This was God‘s plan.

It was hard, especially seeing him so unaffected and seems to be very proud of what he did with my liar friend on his side while I am here dealing with my broken and smashed heart and my bruised ego.

I tried to show the world that I was okay.
That I was over him.
That I didn’t go around with a big X on my forehead or a STUPID sign on it.
I tried to live my life as I knew before I met him.

People thought that I was doing great. They heard me laugh and watched me smile. I seem happy, they said. And I told myself that I was. That I am. But in the solace of my room, where I tried to organize my thoughts and sort out my feelings, I had to admit that I wasn’t truly happy. Because the emptiness is back, the loneliness and the endless search for someone to yearn on is again a long and painful process.

The pain and anger are still there. I haven’t finished mending my broken heart kahit sabihin pang tanggap ko na ang pangyayari. Healing takes time.

Kay hirap namang mamili ng pagkakataon.
Kay daling magpatawad ngunit walang kasing hirap ang makalimot.
Kay hirap magmahal at masaktan.

Now, it’s been 3 months since we broke up and surprisingly things have gotten better. I’ve changed. Somewhere along the way, I realized that he wasn’t the only one out there for me. I also realized that there were valid, powerful reasons why we split up. And I’ve become stronger, older, wiser and prettier. I realized that I don’t know him then and I don’t know him still.

I am an ex.
I’ve loved and lost.
I’ve cried tears for the things that were and that could have been.
I’ve wrestled with intense feelings of love, hate and frustration.
I’ve simultaneously taken down and brought up my pride.
I’ve tried to rebuild my world.
I’ve tried to save my life from the depths of depression and self-pity, and when I couldn’t do that, I turned to God for help.

I know I’m half way there.
I know I’m a much better person now.
I know I’m totally over and done with it—with both of them.

That’s the end of it. But before that I guess it is just right for me to thank them. Seems inappropriate right? But actually, it is not.

Sinaktan nila ako: Salamat dahil isa sila sa dahilan para tumibay ako. I know God gave me these people for me to grow and mature. At dahil sa contribution nila sa maturity ko, kukunin din sila ni Lord.

Niloko lang nila ako: Salamat parin dahil sa kanila naramdaman ko and sakit na pwedeng maramdaman ng iba. At least hindi ko gagawin yun sa iba kasi alam ko na kung gaano kahirap at kasakit ang masaktan at maloko lang diba?

Kung hindi niya ako minahal: Salamat! Dahil kahit papano nafeel ko na minahal niya ako kahit hindi. Pasalamat siya dahil ako totoong minahal ko siya.

Minsan lang talaga kailangan nating harapin ang mga bagay na nakasakit sa atin. Piliting kalimutan. Piliting harapin. Kasi kung ano ang noon–noon lang yon, iba ngayon. Dahil kung nasaktan man ako noon, ngayon mag-iingat na ako upang hindi ako masaktan.

Hindi na ako basta-basta. Hindi na padalos-dalos.

I don’t exactly know what I gained or how much I lost. Maybe someday it will be all clear to me. But then again, maybe not.

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