I’d been putting off writing for the past few months because I was afraid of what realizations my fingers will give me without processing it in my head first. The unknown is scary but I know I have to do this. No matter what words or thoughts my mind would reveal through my fingers.
As much as possible I avoid announcing to the world what I’ve been going through while I’m at the height of it because I feel like I don’t have much time to analyze and decide what to share and what level of honesty should I give my readers. I am also afraid of the words that will come out in my writing. I seldom share tidbits of my life to random people because I don’t want them scrutinizing it. I was afraid to write what I was feeling because having it in print makes it more real. It makes the problem I’d been avoiding tangible. But I realized writing is my outlet and words are my comfort. And if I can’t find the path I have to take even after endless hours of talking with my closest of friends, then maybe my fingers will show me what my heart truly desires.
I honestly don’t know where to start. I’d been bottling up my emotions and everything I’d been going through for the past two years or so without any intention of letting it out. But then if it’s too much it tends to burst out of nowhere and I reached that point. People who heard of what happened and those who are trying to dissect what went wrong would never understand that it wasn’t an impromptu decision. There were valid, strong reasons and events that led me to it. I don’t want to open the Pandora box in public. My closest friends know the real score and I think that is enough.
I am lost. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know what I want to do in my life. When you loved someone so much, spent a big portion of your life with them and you closed your eyes to the reality of your relationship, you loose sight of yourself. I think my friends who I’d told how stupid they were when they were in a similar situation before are rejoicing right now because they finally can say it back to my face with all gusto. It took me a while before I woke up in the madness of my stupidity. And when I finally did, I can’t find the Alona I knew seven years ago. I know a person should grow and I shouldn’t expect finding them the way they were but this time, I can’t find her. Not even a shell. Not even a remnant of her spirit. She was gone.
I’m afraid. I don’t know where to start finding myself again. I know I have to and I will. I will never be a complete person without her. However, the biggest question I have to answer right now before embarking in that journey is what do I really want? It’s a loaded question and giving an outright answer is not sufficient. The desires of the heart and soul can be very complicated. I’d been repeating this question in my head for the past days and the only thing that comes up in my mind is I want to be happy. Not just emotionally happy but spiritual as well. When you think about it, finding happiness is easy but being real happy is not. I need to find peace within myself. I have to forgive myself for all my misgivings, for not letting myself grow, for being blind for so long of the things that doesn’t work anymore, for accepting a love I think I deserved but I know is not enough, for not putting myself forward when I have to, for not loving myself above anything and for not finding and reaching out to God when I know He is just there waiting for me to grab His hand. I have a lot regrets for the past years and I should learn to let them go.
I also have to accept the fact that I’m not yet ready to fall in love again. How can I do that if I’m not complete, right? I want to be selfish, you know. I want to. So much. But it’s not in my genetic make up to deliberately hurt someone or even subconsciously hurt a person because I want to be happy. I am afraid to loose someone significant to me at this point of my life because I know I need them. I’m afraid to blur the lines ad hurt them in the end because I was so selfish to think of the consequences of my actions. They are far too important to me and not wanting them to be hurt is what I wanted. Someone said I can’t be selfish with boundaries. It’s impossible to do that. I have to set my priorities. And right now the first thing I have to do is find her and the faith she lost. I want a lasting happiness not an immediate gratification.
The journey I decided to take isn’t as fuzzy as before. I somehow have a clear understanding of what I should do first at this point. It’s selfish to ask someone to stay with me with uncertainties while I get on in this adventure. It would be far more beautiful if I’ll be with them once I found what I was looking for, right? I know that I have to be upfront and battle this on my own but it doesn’t mean I have to do it alone. I have friends who will be with me whenever I need them. And I know I have God with me wherever I go.
P.S. It feels early to say it right now but I know in my heart that I found my resolve. I know, I am moving on. And I’m ready to feel all the wanderlust in this world. Travel with me?
Miss A. Talks (14)
Rave and rants of everything under the sun. (Note: I’m skipping one number)