Mixtape: Side A

I’d been meaning to write a post of the songs I’ve been listening for the past few weeks but I haven’t really wanted to sit down and write it. If not because of Aaron’s activities for our TFG’s F2F30, I would have skipped doing this.

I don’t know if it’s therapeutic listening to songs that somehow shows the current state of your heart or you’re just adding insult to the injury. I believe the songs I usually listen to these days will give you an idea what I am feeling and what I am going though.  People seek the comfort of songs when they’re sad or when they’re happy—for me that is the case. With the selection I have now, I need not say more. You’ll get me.

1. The Heart of the Matter by India.Arie

I’ve been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I’m learning them again
I’ve been tryin’ to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it’s about forgiveness

It’s a shame to admit but this song made me cry like a child. It was the onset of my depression. I moved to my own place and suddenly, everything sink in. You think of a lot of things when you are alone. You feel more than what you let yourself feel. The song is right; the bottom line is, I need forgiveness. I need to forgive myself. Easier said that done.

2. Still Hurting from the Last 5 Years Soundtrack

Jamie’s convinced that the problems are mine
Jamie is probably feeling just fine
And I’m still hurting

The piano part is so sad, you’ll weep. I did. Especially when I realized that I have my share of mistakes too, that the problems are mine too. I asked myself, how come he is okay and I am not? Someone told me that I shouldn’t speculate of how the other party is coping. He may look alright but we don’t know what he went through to get there or he may look okay but we don’t know what he really feels inside. Moving on is not the same process for everyone. Sad songs when you’re sad? No. But I can’t help it.

3.  The Art of Letting Go by Sabrina

How do I start to live my life alone?
Guess I’m just learning,
Learning the art of letting go

This was the hardest question of all, how do I start to live my life alone? Seven years of being together, how can one start from having a plus one for almost a decade to living alone? There is also the friendship that you don’t want to lose. Everything past the separation is learning. Learning to live alone. Learning to accept the things you cannot change. Learning to accept what you have now. Learning to let go. Learning to be happy alone.

4.  Alone by Sara Evans

You should know that I don’t give up easily
But sometimes for things to grow, they need some rain
And sometimes loving me just means leaving me alone

For some reason I added this in my playlist when I was making a late entry for an activity for Aaron’s discussion. I’d been on a limbo of emotions. There are words that you can never really express that only a song can easily tell how you feel.

5.  Starts with Goodbye by Carrie Underwood

It’s sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

If I heard this song three weeks ago I would have played it on a loop and cry. I still play it on a loop these days but I don’t cry anymore. Because no matter how I see it, I know that it was the right decision. It hurt. Both of us was hurt. I just have to remember what the song says.

6. Steady My Heart by Kari Jobe

What’s good and what gets broken
Happens just the way You plan

This had been my prayer when all of this started. For Him to steady my heart. With all the heartache and tears I had the past months, I know that this happened according to His plan. And if I have to be thankful of what I have achieved since I acknowledged what I was going through, it’s the faith I found which I’d been struggling to build last year. In the time I needed someone most, I know that He is there listening to me.

7.  The Heart of Worship by Matt Redman

I’m coming back to the heart of worship
and it’s all about You, it’s all about You, Jesus.

This was the first song the Praise and Worship team sang when I attended Cornerstone for the first time. It was the time I truly felt I’m coming back. Since then I’d been listening to this song whenever I feel life is taking a toll on me.

8.  Tuloy Parin by Flip Music Artist

Tuloy pa rin ang awit ng buhay ko
Nagbago man ang hugis ng puso mo
Handa na ‘kong hamunin ang aking mundo
‘Pagkat tuloy pa rin

After all the sad songs I’d been listening to, imagine I had something upbeat in my playlist. Life doesn’t stop when your heart gets broken. I will not be sad forever. Life goes on.

9.  Lord I’m Ready Now by Plumb

I ran away from you
And did what I wanted to
But I don’t wanna let you down
Oh Lord I’m ready now

Finding faith again is not an easy journey especially when you are alone. I tried so hard last year but I guess I halfheartedly did it. But now—I felt I am ready. I will not run away anymore. And this song reminds me of that.

*****

A fellow blogger do this every year. I don’t know if I’m gonna do that as well. Although I still have Side B to share. I’m not much into music because I usually listen to the same songs/artists over and over but thanks to Spotify, I’m starting to find the beauty of listening to random songs in random genres.

The playlist has a lot of #feels. I can’t help it. It’s the year of #hugot anyway.  So what songs shows the current state of your heart?

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2 thoughts on “Mixtape: Side A

  1. Tina says:

    Haha, if it’s any comfort, The Heart of the Matter made me cry, too. (Also Wings of Forgiveness, while I was at the grocery hehe.) Also, yay, Kari Jobe, Matt Redman!

    • Alona says:

      Oh my. I have a new playlist that has 3 songs by India.Arie. I have to remember not to listen to it when I’m doing my grocery. People might think I’m crazy. I might do it while doing my laundry though, at least no one will see me (a consolation when you’re living alone.) Hahahaha.

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