Dear Chocolate,

I don’t usually like you. Most people who are crazy in love with you think I’m from another planet, all because I never appreciated you. It’s not that I don’t like you really; it’s just that I never fell in love with anything sweet. It’s the classic “it’s not you, it’s me” excuse. I know you don’t often hear that; no one in their right minds can say no to the sweetness, happiness and love you give them, but I am not your average person. I don’t have a sweet tooth. It doesn’t mean though that I will never ever like you.

Like now. You are lifting my spirits up. I now understand why they like you that much. Thank you for stimulating my I-don’t-know-what-part-of-the-brain to release serotonin and dopamine that are responsible for the lightness I’m feeling right now. You are making me smile. For a little while. I’ll probably tire myself running later just thinking of the calories you gave me but it was worth it, even just for a few bites.

I’m still not in love with you, Chocolate. I would choose fruits and wheat bread over you in a heart beat. The sugar rush you gave me made me write this crazy letter, who knows I might write a letter to ice cream later on. Yes, I’ll turn to you when the feelings get too overwhelming. Or when the tools in the office are sooo slow, it’s driving me nuts. Like right now.

Chocolate, I won’t seek you. Not very often. You are still at the bottom of the list of my comfort food. But you are a darling. A sweetheart. Now, let me get water to wash down the bittersweet taste you left in my palate.  It’s time to move on.

Love,

P.S. Sugar overload is something I don’t normally experience because I stay away from sweets. So yes, just a few bites of whatever chocolate I get my hands into will give me a terrible headache or this, an overpowering need to crazy rant.

P.S.S.

Image Source: Tip Top Lifestyle


 

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Twenty Three + Five

Growing old is mandatory but growing up is optional.

There is something with age that women never want to talk about. Whenever someone asks me my age (especially in game) I would always say I’m twenty-ish. It’s not that I don’t wanna count, at one point I did stopped at twenty-five but when I reached my late-twenties, age became just a number. No matter how old you get, if you haven’t matured, your biological age is nothing.

The first thing I thought of when I woke up is, “Fudge, I’m two years away from turning 30.” Yes, as I’ve said it’s just a number but there is something grave about it when girls think of the big 3-0. I guess it really doesn’t matter especially if you don’t look your age. Hurray to being small! They always think I’m five years younger from my real age.

This year marks new beginnings in my life. I’m happy and at the same time scared at the idea that I’m twenty-eight and single. I’d been in a relationship for more than half a decade and now that I’m out of it, it seems that I don’t even know how to be single again. I’m starting everything from scratch.  In a birthday post I made last year, I said that change is just around the corner and that did happen last year. Now this year, I’m happy to claim that it’s going to be an adventure.

A birthday blog post won’t be complete without a wish list, right? When I think about what I want to get for this year instead of asking for tangible things, I thought of what my heart really wants and I came up with this list:

Faith. You guys know that I’d been in a journey of finding faith since last year. It wasn’t easy. I’m still in on my way of finding my faith. It isn’t as dark as when I started last year but I’ve been praying that God lead my heart to where He is. If I was afraid to take a leap last year, now I’m letting go of the reins. I’ll let God be the driver of this journey. And I’m really, really praying and hoping that this year I’ll arrive at that destination.

Joy. A friend taught me that you can find delight in everything. You don’t have to be with someone to be happy. You can be happy alone. And if God will give me someone who would put a smile on my face, then that’s a bonus. I want to find joy in everything. In little things I didn’t thought of before. I’ll start small then let’s gradually go big.

Love. Who doesn’t want love, right? I want my heart to know what love is. It doesn’t have to be a romantic love. That will come in time. I know that. What I am asking for is in general; to love and give love and feel love and be in love.  Same in joy, you can find love in everything. And that’s what I want.

Good Health.  I don’t have to explain this one, yes? It’s a little stricter for me because of my family’s medical history but I know everyone wants a healthy mind and body and that has to start with a healthy lifestyle.

I think that’s all? I made a list before I made this and out of 7, these are the things I think I need the most. Some on my list, I already crossed out, some is for the future. Do you want to know what’s in my bucket list this year? It has everything to do with travel or maybe not necessarily.

Beach. I want to visit a beach this year. My target is at least three. The last time I went to the beach was in 2011 when the Book Club went to Alabat Island. This year, I want to see three Bs: Baler, Bolinao and Boracay.

Hiking. In my recent Baguio trip, I learned that I love the quietness of nature and I love to try and go to unexplored trails. I want the silence of nature. It calms your heart and mind. So this year I want to go hiking either in Mt. Pinatubo or somewhere in Benguet.

Adventure. I want to explore. And I feel that I’ll have the biggest adventure of my life yet this 2015.

Hopefully, I’ll be able to cross out these three before the year ends. I still have eleven months to do that. Come and travel with me friends! Let’s enjoy what life has to offer.

  P.S. Because I can’t help it. I’ll make this list because I have to remember that I need to get them in a few weeks or so:

– Sharpee colorful pens
– A new corkboard
– 3rd book of the Chaos Walking Trilogy UK Edition ONLY
– HB copy of Boundless

Hello, Twenty-Eight!

But really, that’s Twenty-Three + Five.

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Uncertainties

I’d been putting off writing for the past few months because I was afraid of what realizations my fingers will give me without processing it in my head first. The unknown is scary but I know I have to do this. No matter what words or thoughts my mind would reveal through my fingers.

As much as possible I avoid announcing to the world what I’ve been going through while I’m at the height of it because I feel like I don’t have much time to analyze and decide what to share and what level of honesty should I give my readers. I am also afraid of the words that will come out in my writing. I seldom share tidbits of my life to random people because I don’t want them scrutinizing it. I was afraid to write what I was feeling because having it in print makes it more real. It makes the problem I’d been avoiding tangible. But I realized writing is my outlet and words are my comfort. And if I can’t find the path I have to take even after endless hours of talking with my closest of friends, then maybe my fingers will show me what my heart truly desires.

I honestly don’t know where to start. I’d been bottling up my emotions and everything I’d been going through for the past two years or so without any intention of letting it out. But then if it’s too much it tends to burst out of nowhere and I reached that point. People who heard of what happened and those who are trying to dissect what went wrong would never understand that it wasn’t an impromptu decision. There were valid, strong reasons and events that led me to it. I don’t want to open the Pandora box in public. My closest friends know the real score and I think that is enough.

I am lost. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know what I want to do in my life. When you loved someone so much, spent a big portion of your life with them and you closed your eyes to the reality of your relationship, you loose sight of yourself. I think my friends who I’d told how stupid they were when they were in a similar situation before are rejoicing right now because they finally can say it back to my face with all gusto. It took me a while before I woke up in the madness of my stupidity. And when I finally did, I can’t find the Alona I knew seven years ago. I know a person should grow and I shouldn’t expect finding them the way they were but this time, I can’t find her. Not even a shell. Not even a remnant of her spirit. She was gone.

I’m afraid. I don’t know where to start finding myself again. I know I have to and I will. I will never be a complete person without her. However, the biggest question I have to answer right now before embarking in that journey is what do I really want? It’s a loaded question and giving an outright answer is not sufficient. The desires of the heart and soul can be very complicated. I’d been repeating this question in my head for the past days and the only thing that comes up in my mind is I want to be happy. Not just emotionally happy but spiritual as well. When you think about it, finding happiness is easy but being real happy is not. I need to find peace within myself. I have to forgive myself for all my misgivings, for not letting myself grow, for being blind for so long of the things that doesn’t work anymore, for accepting a love I think I deserved but I know is not enough, for not putting myself forward when I have to, for not loving myself above anything and for not finding and reaching out to God when I know He is just there waiting for me to grab His hand. I have a lot regrets for the past years and I should learn to let them go.

I also have to accept the fact that I’m not yet ready to fall in love again. How can I do that if I’m not complete, right? I want to be selfish, you know. I want to. So much. But it’s not in my genetic make up to deliberately hurt someone or even subconsciously hurt a person because I want to be happy. I am afraid to loose someone significant to me at this point of my life because I know I need them. I’m afraid to blur the lines ad hurt them in the end because I was so selfish to think of the consequences of my actions. They are far too important to me and not wanting them to be hurt is what I wanted. Someone said I can’t be selfish with boundaries. It’s impossible to do that. I have to set my priorities. And right now the first thing I have to do is find her and the faith she lost. I want a lasting happiness not an immediate gratification.

The journey I decided to take isn’t as fuzzy as before. I somehow have a clear understanding of what I should do first at this point. It’s selfish to ask someone to stay with me with uncertainties while I get on in this adventure. It would be far more beautiful if I’ll be with them once I found what I was looking for, right? I know that I have to be upfront and battle this on my own but it doesn’t mean I have to do it alone. I have friends who will be with me whenever I need them. And I know I have God with me wherever I go.

P.S. It feels early to say it right now but I know in my heart that I found my resolve. I know, I am moving on. And I’m ready to feel all the wanderlust in this world. Travel with me?


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Choosing My Battles

One thing I don’t like about myself is how I get emotionally affected of things I can’t control. It’s a flaw that would drive you nuts when you’re obsessive-compulsive. I’m on the extremes. I tend to be so unaffected of issues at times but when I do, especially if I know I’m directly involved in it, I can’t let it go in a snap of a finger. I know myself. I have to talk it out, relentlessly if needed, until I feel I’ve said everything I wanted to say. I talk to my friends about it and they’d listen even if I’m saying the same things over and over again because they know that after that talkathon segment I’d be back to my normal self.

But having a pattern doesn’t mean I have to like it. I wish I could be someone who could just shrug it off without giving it much thought. Let it go without analyzing every angle of the issue, of what went wrong and what kind of BS the other party is trying to pull of. My life would have been simpler if I won’t let conflict affect me. Even if I wanted that, I know I can’t always be that way. I’m a girl after all. I’m not tough all the time. I have emotions. And I have hormones to blame whenever I feel like going crazy over the simplest of things.

I realized that the meanest of people aren’t those you’ve met in real life but those who hide over the internet. Don’t get me wrong, I was never cyber-bullied and I don’t want to experience that. I know how I can be harsh on my reviews at times but I always try not to directly attack the author or the writer/director of a book I read or a show I’ve seen because I am aware that there is a fine line between a constructive criticism to a nothing but a derisive remark. I learned that there are really those individuals who can be mean to people they don’t know just because they can and it will make you question what kind of life this people have to make them like that. It wasn’t a nice feeling when someone you don’t know and who doesn’t know anything about you say hurtful words that everyone who has access on the internet can read and comment on.

Another thing is loyalty over the internet is atypical. Even if you’ve established a solid readership or follower, one or two would eventually leave for reasons you can’t control and you can’t blame them. Loyalty comes if you spend time with people you only talk to online on a regular basis outside of the program or social media where you’ve met or when you start sharing tidbits about yourself that only people you consider friends know. It’s also difficult when you share a part of yourself to help someone or to build something because you want to, not because you have to, and feel like its going nowhere because you don’t know if people appreciate it or if an opportunity comes they couldn’t say no to, they’d turn their backs on you. It’s so hard to be invested in something. So if you find loyalty online, keep it. As I said, it’s rare.

I always learn my lessons the hard way. Growing up, I learned how to compartmentalized things. Setting aside battles I should fight from issues that are not important. I could easily adapt to changes in a real setting. This time I have to cope and extend that over the cyber world. I learned that I can’t control what people wanted to say or how they should behave online but I CAN control how I react to them. I’m sure I’d still bitch about it a few times just to let my emotions out but if I know I can close my eyes and shrug it off, I would. I haven’t met them in real life. Whatever they say online will not reflect in my CV. There is zero chance I’ll meet them all because they cannot even show their real identities online. Yes, it’ll annoy you on your best day but they won’t affect you unless you let them. Mean people will always be mean. Disloyal people will always be like that. It’s one of those things I’ll charge to experience and will serve as a reminder that I can always choose my battles. And I choose to let this one go.

One of my online friends said, #spreadthelove. I’m choosing to do that.

PS. Sometimes it’s difficult playing a game with only boys in it. They treat you as one of the boys and then forgets that you don’t have balls. A person can only take too much teasing. I get pissed. And when I do, I might make a harsh decision and quit. Learn to be sensitive. I tease people but I do know how to gauge their reactions. You boys don’t. It’s not everyday I’m in a good mood. Hormones guys, in case you aren’t aware, can be a bitch most of the time.

I am so tempted to say this:

PNY

But I’ll try to be a big girl and settle with this:

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