Choosing My Battles

One thing I don’t like about myself is how I get emotionally affected of things I can’t control. It’s a flaw that would drive you nuts when you’re obsessive-compulsive. I’m on the extremes. I tend to be so unaffected of issues at times but when I do, especially if I know I’m directly involved in it, I can’t let it go in a snap of a finger. I know myself. I have to talk it out, relentlessly if needed, until I feel I’ve said everything I wanted to say. I talk to my friends about it and they’d listen even if I’m saying the same things over and over again because they know that after that talkathon segment I’d be back to my normal self.

But having a pattern doesn’t mean I have to like it. I wish I could be someone who could just shrug it off without giving it much thought. Let it go without analyzing every angle of the issue, of what went wrong and what kind of BS the other party is trying to pull of. My life would have been simpler if I won’t let conflict affect me. Even if I wanted that, I know I can’t always be that way. I’m a girl after all. I’m not tough all the time. I have emotions. And I have hormones to blame whenever I feel like going crazy over the simplest of things.

I realized that the meanest of people aren’t those you’ve met in real life but those who hide over the internet. Don’t get me wrong, I was never cyber-bullied and I don’t want to experience that. I know how I can be harsh on my reviews at times but I always try not to directly attack the author or the writer/director of a book I read or a show I’ve seen because I am aware that there is a fine line between a constructive criticism to a nothing but a derisive remark. I learned that there are really those individuals who can be mean to people they don’t know just because they can and it will make you question what kind of life this people have to make them like that. It wasn’t a nice feeling when someone you don’t know and who doesn’t know anything about you say hurtful words that everyone who has access on the internet can read and comment on.

Another thing is loyalty over the internet is atypical. Even if you’ve established a solid readership or follower, one or two would eventually leave for reasons you can’t control and you can’t blame them. Loyalty comes if you spend time with people you only talk to online on a regular basis outside of the program or social media where you’ve met or when you start sharing tidbits about yourself that only people you consider friends know. It’s also difficult when you share a part of yourself to help someone or to build something because you want to, not because you have to, and feel like its going nowhere because you don’t know if people appreciate it or if an opportunity comes they couldn’t say no to, they’d turn their backs on you. It’s so hard to be invested in something. So if you find loyalty online, keep it. As I said, it’s rare.

I always learn my lessons the hard way. Growing up, I learned how to compartmentalized things. Setting aside battles I should fight from issues that are not important. I could easily adapt to changes in a real setting. This time I have to cope and extend that over the cyber world. I learned that I can’t control what people wanted to say or how they should behave online but I CAN control how I react to them. I’m sure I’d still bitch about it a few times just to let my emotions out but if I know I can close my eyes and shrug it off, I would. I haven’t met them in real life. Whatever they say online will not reflect in my CV. There is zero chance I’ll meet them all because they cannot even show their real identities online. Yes, it’ll annoy you on your best day but they won’t affect you unless you let them. Mean people will always be mean. Disloyal people will always be like that. It’s one of those things I’ll charge to experience and will serve as a reminder that I can always choose my battles. And I choose to let this one go.

One of my online friends said, #spreadthelove. I’m choosing to do that.

PS. Sometimes it’s difficult playing a game with only boys in it. They treat you as one of the boys and then forgets that you don’t have balls. A person can only take too much teasing. I get pissed. And when I do, I might make a harsh decision and quit. Learn to be sensitive. I tease people but I do know how to gauge their reactions. You boys don’t. It’s not everyday I’m in a good mood. Hormones guys, in case you aren’t aware, can be a bitch most of the time.

I am so tempted to say this:

But I’ll try to be a big girl and settle with this:

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The Perks of the Gaming Community… or Maybe Not

If you’re gonna ask me to describe myself last year, I’d say I’m a blogger, a reader, a frustrated writer, a homebody, a book club member and a 24/7 an occasional crazy, mean girl. If I’m going to answer that question today, I’m adding “a casual gamer” on the list. Honestly, I never thought I’d call myself that. I mean look at the way I described myself before, isn’t that already geeky? And now that? Well, maybe I am geeky ^[1]… or maybe not.

I was never really into gaming. It was only when Jeff and I became friends that I started playing online games. He introduced me to various MMORPGs and console games when we started dating but I didn’t play that much because studying was on top of my priorities. It was only a few years after I started working that I continued playing various games but it didn’t eat most of my time because I was more into books, drama series, movies and my social life. I finished a few games, others left me frustrated which I gave up on, and some I tried but never played seriously. I was never and will never be a hardcore gamer. I know I only do it because I’m having fun and it’s an effective stress reliever at most times. As I’ve mentioned in my August MAT and WUF posts, I was (and still) going through a phase in my life that made me look into other things to divert my sulking “outlook”. And that’s where Ragnarok Online 2 kicks in.

This is something I shouldn’t really talk about in this blog but my blog’s theme is “Love and All the Things I Love”, right? Can you give me this one post to talk about it? Pretty please? RO2 is something I appreciated and started to like recently not because of the game itself but the community I found in the game. I played for a while in SEA with my co-workers and it was fun while it lasted. But because of how bad the handler handled the game, I eventually moved to NA when it opened. We know there isn’t much of a difference between the two servers and both handlers are making grave mistakes one after the other. The community isn’t as lively as before and I dare say that I haven’t mingled with half of the game’s population even if it’s dwindling at this very minute. So what community am I talking about? They are the people I’m usually with, those I’ve talked and played with at one point, the players I often see whose names are flashing in front of my screen or those I see talking nonsense in the public chat, and lastly, they’re the friends I found in game.

I never expected to find “friends” here. I mean, because I wasn’t a pro-player and I’m only just starting with OL games, I couldn’t understand the “relationship” the players build in game. It didn’t cross my mind that there’s a real person behind the characters I see in game. I don’t make sense, right? Of course, there’s someone controlling the character. It wouldn’t move by itself (unless you are using a third party program). It’s hard to explain, really. But maybe the point I’m trying to cross is that, these players are “real” and they have issues too. Like any other online community, you make friends, you talk to them, you connect with them (which social networks make it easier nowadays), you get to know them, and eventually understand how they think, who they are, and if given the chance meet them in person. I shouldn’t be new to this, no? It’s the same with how I found The Filipino Group^[2]. The only difference is that I’ve met the people in the book club and we see each other on a monthly basis.

https://www.flickr.com/photos/shanatalks/sets/72157636092442375/

I’d been to three guilds since the conception of the game. First was Solitude, it then merged with HousèBunny, then I went to BALASUBAS and now I’m with Galajuan. I was with Kyuu in all of these guilds and she is one of the players I connected within and outside of the game. There are also other players that I’m beginning to build friendship with like Alvin, Camssy, Kuya Mac and the rest of the Pinoy International players that I’m regularly with when I’m online. And you know what I find funny? There is “life” in the gaming community. Here are some of the highlights of my experience and why I’m so enthralled with the community today:

• Whenever I ask anyone their age, it makes me feel old. WTF, am I the only one in their mid-twenties here? Let me reiterate that—mid-twenties! And if ever someone will be honest and admit me their real age, hah. I’ll jump in joy! (Or give away free spinels?)
• Some players play because they are trying to mend their broken hearts. (Did I hit a sore spot?) People tend to look for a diversion when they’re having issues and you can find them here. I’m one of them, right? Though I am not broken hearted. Swear.
• There is drama in the gaming community. Believe me. There is. And sometimes it’s as worse as our teleseryes. Pff.
• There is politics too—everything in politics. Though I hope we won’t have another Napoles here in game.
• There are bitches in one end, assholes on the other, and users in between. But there are also those who are genuine human beings too.
• You find new friends, new relationship, new enemies, and yes, new love life. There is hope for those BH players! (Please see bullet #2) Let’s just hope it’s not a rebound. (Note: It’s exactly the same with the book club! Haha)
• Guilds here are like call centers. Players are guild hopping all the time. Just like what call center agents do, they hop to different centers.
• Since I’m already comparing it to the BPO industry, the attrition rate of players is also the same with BPOs. It changes every patch.
• People here love to trash talk. I tolerate some but most of the time I tune them off but I still love lurking in public chat anyway.
• If you lose your cool, you’re dead (literally) and pissed. Hahaha.
• You meet people from all walks of life! Some you will hate, others you wouldn’t like and few are gems that are worth keeping.

See? It’s just the same with every community you find online and in real life. And since I’m already making this post, I’ll grab the opportunity to promote the Galajuan and BALASUBAS page. Can you click the banners below and like each page? We wouldn’t flood your feed with useless posts, pinky-swear! Thank you!

PS: I made the draft of this entry weeks ago but you know how lazy I can get when posting new entries in my blog. I’m adding something and yes, I’m too lazy to rewrite the post.

It’s been weeks since Galajuan was founded and we’ve been through a few bumps along the way. I wasn’t online that much for the past few weeks (life is being a b**** once again) but I make it a point to check our page from time to time (you know, chismosa lang!).

Galajuan went through hell and back. We’ve been bashed, criticized, and talked down to. We are a team of crazy, impossible but passionate, loyal individuals who stood their ground and fought for what we believe in even if all of them say it’s a hopeless cause. We aren’t perfect, we make mistakes, we get angry, we get disappointed but we chose to continue and grow rather than be affected of what’s happening in this unfair, one-sided, preposterous, RO2 game.

This is what life in Galajuan is. No matter how many times you step on us, no matter how much derision you throw in our face, we will keep on moving forward. Talk as much as you like but one thing is for sure—we are still standing and will continue to do so—after all, we are a bunch of hard-headed pricks anyway. Isn’t that right, Papa Doray?

[1] Wikipedia’s definition <here>
[2] TFG is an online reading community that meets up every month to have a formal book discussion. We also have HOHOL (Hang out Hang out Lang), an event we go to every now and then whenever we are overwhelmed with clingy-ness.

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The Reason for my Blog Silence

Yo! Hiya everyone! Breaking my silence to let you know why I’m off on blogging for a while now.

My Ranger character in Jormungand. The image isn’t detailed because my VGA sucks. I have to change it and once I have a new VGA, I’ll play Tera Online! Hah.

See that? Yeah. Still playing Ragnarok 2 though its pretty obvious that the game is nearing it’s death. I reached level 50 for my Ranger character in Jormungand after a month of playing. There had been a big drop in the community which affected this server most, so I was already thinking of dropping the game. However, my gamer friends in the office started playing in another server and they coaxed me of creating a new character in Freyja.

That’s why I’m starting all over again with a new class. Meet SariaBelle. My Sorcerer.

11 levels na lang! ^_^

I’m still not used to playing this class where I can support and attack at the same time. Kind of makes me go gaga in dungeons because you have to semi-support and kill too. Unlike in my Ranger, all I have to do is attack and kill. The casting time is also a bitch. I don’t know if I’m useful or useless in dungeons because by the time I finish casting, my target’s already dead. Those DPS really hit fast, you know? LOL.

I also tried the PvP Colosseum using this class and I’m such a noob. Got kicked out after the first three rounds because I can’t figure out how to target the players! I’m used to tabbing my targets but I found out after researching that I have to click on the players to attack them. WTF. I’ll reach level 50, semi-complete my equipment (it’s hard to get the epic items immediately) and kill them all!

It’s fun playing with friends you know in real life. You’ll have an automatic party in entering dungeons and killing mini bosses for Khara. We also talk about this in the office non-stop. Haha.

I might not be active in blogging for a few more weeks. And I’m also packing my things to move in to Jeff’s place. A little busy in the office as well. Hmfff. But I’ll be back. =) (Or in gaming language, “GTG AFK BRB“)

For those who play, see you! Ro2 @ Freyja, SariaBelle!

“Bench” Friends Forever

Do you still remember your barkada in high school? How cool it was to name your group in those days? It’s funny and silly thinking about it now. I can’t even understand why it was so “in” to have your group known in one name before. I’m not sure if it was only in the province, but in the school I attended in Pangasinan, this tradition seems to be alive up to this day. And yes, I am writing this because I was (or still) part of a “named” barkada—we were called Bench.

My sister and I moved to the province to live with my Lola when I was fourteen. I transferred to a public high school and I met my barkada in junior year. I don’t know how it started and why the group was called “Bench” or maybe I’m just too lazy to remember. Ours was a big group (19-20 members, I think). We even have a designated number for each member (I know, it’s so baduy but we were teenagers!) We’re quite a weird bunch of people. You would even wonder why we became friends. We were a mixture of everything—a beauty queen, a lesbian, a gay, an artist, a writer, performers, tomboyish girls, mean girls, some are leaders, others are officers of the batch, and thank God a straight guy.

High School graduation pictures. I took this from my scrapbook. Ah. Memories. We look young and innocent. (Inosente daw? Booo!)

You’re probably wondering why I suddenly wanted to talk about them now. Well, I saw today’s date and memories flooded my head. December 17 is our group’s special date—works as an anniversary—a date to remember how we became “Bench” friends. When I saw the calendar and counted, I realized how long we had this friendship. Ten Years. We’ve been friends for ten effing years!

I haven’t seen most of them for the past three years. I’m also not the person who constantly keeps in touch. Heck, I’m not even sure if all of us still remember that they were once part of this group. Because of our number, you wouldn’t expect us to be close to everyone and it’s a fact that there would be small groups in a big group. That was expected in Bench. The members have their best friends in the group. You know what’s funny? I never had someone to call a “best friend” from Bench. Thinking about it now, I never really had any best friends apart from my childhood best friends that I don’t even have communication now. Ever since I had a bad experience with my childhood best friends, I never wanted to limit myself to a “best friend”. Why would I do that if I can be everyone’s friend? I may not have a best friend but I have close friends. The good thing with having a close-knit group is that even if you don’t see them and talk to them everyday, you know the friendship is there. That is what Bench for me is.

I know I had been a ghost in the group or a mushroom perhaps since I moved in Manila. I don’t always go to our reunions because I don’t go home. When I’m online, I’m too busy with other things that I can’t even say hi even if someone from the group pings me. I don’t join the online group discussions. I don’t interact. It gives some the notion that I don’t care. But the truth is I know what is happening. It’s just that sometimes I get so mean to even bother because I don’t want to burden myself with childish issues. And I am not the type to butt in with issues I’m not part of. Hindi ako sabatera eh. I also believe that the people involved in whatever rift will work it out. That’s how big my faith is with this group.

I am asking myself again why I am writing this. Is this a shout out? Maybe. A far cry? Probably. A wake up call? Could be. A reminder? I think so.

We had ten wonderful years of friendship. Let’s not throw it away. We can work this out. And guys, you may not always hear from me but I am always here. I will always be a Bench. No matter what. As I often say, I am just a text or an email away. (I’ll try to reply at once. I promise. Hahaha.)

Cheers to ten years of friendship! Let’s have another ten years, yes? And let’s celebrate when I get home for the holidays!

Photo Credit: ShanaTalks, Elaine Sison

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Rave and rants of everything under the sun.